Where to, boss?
Life on the road
Ah, travelling.
One world, many travellers
There's all sorts of people out there living a similar life. They are you enemies. Here's how to spot them:
The Pretentious Twunt
Also known as the Bom-Shankar Wanker, this traveller will often lull you into a false sense of security by asking you lots of seemingly-innocent questions about yourself and even making a few complimentary remarks. Then, when they think they've got you on their side they'll pick on anything you've said and try to better it. If you've visited somewhere cooler then they've been somewhere cooler, just outside of town, where no tourists ever go. If you've been to a great festival then they've been to a smaller, cooler one, which you only find out about if you know people who know people. The ironic thing is that these peeps are the ones most likely to claim that they've destroyed their egos through spiritual advancement, when in fact they're more full of themselves that anyone on the planet. If you meet someone who smiles at you in a knowing way and claim to know a bit more about cool things than you, run like a weasel.
The Total Noob
Easily identified by their brand-new backpack, brand-new Teva sandals, and brand-new culture shock.
The World Explorer
You know all that travelling stuff you can buy in proper travelling shops like Blacks? All the chinos and utilility waistcoats? These guys own the lot (including at least three money-belts and a backpack cover). They think travelling's an amaaaazing experience, of course, but then everyone does. Will trek up an ant-hill at the drop of a hiking pole. Travelling on a round-the-world ticket and full of plans to hike up the windward side of Mount Tourist, skin an orangutang, and then head off to Banlgabore to herd lepers. Never ask to see their photos. Ever.
The Third-World Scroungers
There is a school of thought on the traveller circuit that holds that the less money you spend, the better you are. Absolute nonsense, of course; some of us like beer, for one thing. While it's true that living like a local brings down the cost of your trip, it doesn't mean you are a local, or that your trip is any more authentic than others'. Also, scrounging off some of the poorest people in the world and then banging on about how wonderful they are for sharing what little they have with you, a rich westerner, just goes to show how little empathy for locals you truly have. Argh! Rant alert! Sorry, I'll be calm...
The Two-weekers
"Bloody hell! Everything's so cheap!" Yes, but not for long. Many a traveller has mourned the loss of their favourite unknown beach haven to the scourge that is package tourism. Universally looked-down on by all other travellers, the two-weekers break every travel rule going, from displaying innapropriate amounts of flesh to blocking up the toilets with bog roll. Long-term travellers shake their heads disparagingly as gaggles of them roll past, buying everything at full-price and drinking their way into cultural ruin. As they pass the long-term travellers go back to their local brew and sit basking in the glow of their own smugness, because they travel properly, even if they don't speak the local language or respect local laws and customs. Nope, it's no good. I'm ranting again.
