Understanding the local lingo can be pretty tricky, and we all need a little help along the way. So here's an encyclopedia of what those smelly backpacker hippies you meet along the way are on about:
Backpack - Not having a backpack doesn't mean you're not a backpacker; it just means you're a backpacker with a stupid, unwieldy holdall. Backpacks are brilliant, and I don't care what anybody says. They mostly now come with a zip-up cover for your straps, which supposedly means you can take it to places where backpacks aren't allowed. What? You're trying to tell me a flimsy canvas cover is going to somehow transform my filthy, smelly backpack into a luxury suitcase in the eyes of trained waiters and hoteliers? Not going to happen, is it? Still useful for keeping things out of the way when it goes in the luggage hold, though.
Bangkok Hilton - A euphemism for Thai jail.
Beggars - If they're old and knackered or physically disabled to the extent that they're incapable of work, fine. Giving to kids just perpetuates the system of kids being sent out to beg. If you're truly concerned or feel guilty about turning so many beggars away then your best bet is to give to one of the many charities that are set up to help those in genuine need. It's best not to be rude, no matter how annoying they are.
Bucket shops - Cheap airline ticket shops that offer the best deals and the sweatiest service.
Calamari - Cephalopods are some of the most beautiful and interesting creatures on the planet. Please don't eat them.
Christmas - If you're really cool you'll probably want to denounce it as being too commercial; if not it's generally recognised as being a good time to get legless on a beach somewhere. Careful, though, as it's a ripe time of year for muggings, etc. Stick with your mates.
Common Sense - Fuck it off as soon as you arrive, especially if you're landing in India. Different rules, different ways of doing things. Baffling, to say the least.
Customs and entry officials - Smile and be friendly. If you get angry with them then you're going to be there for a long, long time.
Diarrhoea - Probably the samosa. Be gone in a few days (if not better get down the chemist - they'll know what it is).
Drugs - Welcome to the Bangkok Hilton. Enjoy your stay. A lot of travellers get very complacent about drugs, and use them very openly. Really not a very good idea. The travellers you see (the ones who tell you it's fiiiiiine, guy) are the ones who have escaped arrest. The ones you don't see are the ones who are never going home. Use common sense.
Firewater - That which makes you fall over the fastest, at the cheapest cost to your moneybelt and the highest cost to your liver (i.e. booze).
Giardia - Eggy burps and explosive diarrhoea. Tinidazole cures it. You can't drink alcohol on Metrodinazole, so check your medicine if you're planning to drink your sorrows away.
Hippies - We're all hippies, really. Still best to avoid the tie-dye, though.
Home - Generally defined as being the place you're not, even when you are. Gets a bit confusing after a while, but that's travelling.
Lingo - Just shout.
Mobile phones - Becoming more prevalent amongst travellers nowadays. Still not in wide use on the backpacking scene, though. Be warned: one SIM card does not necessarily cover an entire country.
Money belt - Sweaty and nasty, they really aren't for everyday use. Use a wallet and leave your money in your safely-locked room (your room might get robbed, but if you carry it with you then you might get mugged, which is sorer).
Padlocks - Take 3. One (a good one, with at least 2 keys) for your door, and two small combination locks for your backpack. Aluminium locks are nice and light for your door, but not quite as tough as steel. Mind you, anything but a huge one comes off with a good thwack, so ally ones are my choice for travel. Those rubbish Chinese things you can buy in Asia come open if you hold a lighter under them, as everyone knows.
Rainbow Gathering - Welcome home, brother. Gnarrrgh! Avoid! Avoid! They'll suck out your brains and make them into lentil soup. Terrible, terrible people, bent on patronising the world, one local at a time. Google them if you don't believe me.
Reconfirmation - All online now. You can even choose which seats you want on the way back before you leave home. Don't forget to mention if you're a vegetarian or anything.
Rickshaws - Tuk-tuk, broom-broom - you wan' rickshaw? Haggle fiercely. If they try to get you to pay before you reach your destination (to buy fuel, for instance), refuse outright. If they claim they misheard you when you said where you wanted to go and that getting there will cost extra, get out of the rickshaw and find another. Forget meters - even if they work the driver will still rip you off by showing you an indecipherable price conversion chart. Always agree the price in advance.
Sex - Plenty of it about, but can you get any? Me neither.
Shanti - As in "I'm going to cello to somewhere more shanti soon. Acha." This word or phrase indicates that the speaker is a pretentious twat who should be avoided at all costs. The simple rejoinder of "I eat meat" tends to be pretty effective, even if you don't.
Socks - The only clean pair is down the bottom of your bag, underneath all your dirty washing, and it's raining.
Tattoos - Easy to get in cool traveller places. You need to check the needles and the ink are sterile, though. Nobody seems to check inks, for some reason.
Traveller - One who is not a tourist, guy.
Travellers' Cheques - For my money they're still way better than taking a debit or credit card, because you can always find someone who'll change TCs but I've seen many a traveller stuck because all the banks are closed or the hole in the wall's out of order.
Vegetarian - Easy enough in India; everywhere else, expect to eat a bit of meat by mistake. Don't blow your lid if it was a genuine mistake on the waiter's part unless you ordered in his native tongue with perfect enunciation. It's just part of travel and one of those things you have to accept if you want to hang onto your sanity.
Washing - You'll probably be doing your own when you're away, and not often enough. Take a twisty hooked washing line and very thick plastic bag to keep it all stuffed into. Your pack will still smell, though.